Baby Crazy

Wow. We got to spend some time with our friends and their 6 week old son yesterday. It was awesome. We hadn't seen them in a long time, as they moved to Chicago last year, so it was great to catch up, and of course, wonderful to meet their new addition. After holding this little baby in my arms yesterday, I am even more anxious than ever for the razz to get here. I can't believe our little one is only about 3.5 inches long, but in 28 weeks will be around 20 inches and in my arms! I wouldn't even believe there's a baby in there, except that we heard the heartbeat at the 6 week ultrasound and again by doppler at our 10 week appointment. We will have another appointment at 14 weeks, and I'm sure we'll try to hear it again, but everyone says it's hard to hear it if you are overweight (which I am) so I'm a little apprehensive about even trying to hear it again. Thankfully, we'll be having another ultrasound at 17 weeks so even if we don't hear it at 14 weeks, we'll get another round of reassurance pretty soon after. And as a bonus, we'll get to find out the gender! We are SO anxious to know! It's not that we will be happier one way than the other, we just want to know!!! AHHH!

THE RAZZ!

Ok, I don't really know why it has taken me this long to post this, but tomorrow I will be 6 weeks pregnant! We are, of course, very excited. This was going to be our last month trying. In fact, last month was going to be our last month trying, but then much drama ensued.

Briefly, we went in for our follicle scan on a Friday, and they said they were too small, so we should just wait for monday because they probably wouldn't mature much before then. Well, I ovulated on saturday or sunday, because they were gone when we went back in on monday. As if this wasn't bad enough, we then had to sit in consultation with the doctor where she implied that it couldn't have possibly worked anyway, because there is no way that those 17X20 follicles got big enough before I ovulated to be worth anything, so we should consider moving on to IVF or adoption. While that sounded like a total BS cover her ass kind of story to us (cover her ass because missing it ended up costing around $1000 for nothing), we were pretty discouraged, and also really angry that we missed the chance.

Maybe that was just what we needed, however, because the month we conceived, we threw off all inhibition and insisted on coming in on sunday instead of waiting until monday. Our wonderful PA whom we love said the follicle was already starting to collapse, which meant I would probably ovulate that day. We inseminated Sunday, in the clinic all by ourselves with just the PA and the sonographer. It was peaceful and fast, and the most joyous insemination we had in the many many months we had been trying.

We decided we weren't going to test until after I missed my period. If you've been following along, you can probably guess what actually happened. At 9DPO, we tested with a clearblue digital, the only test we had on hand. It was negative, but those tests aren't really intended for early detection, so we weren't really surprised or discouraged. At 10DPO, however, we went to the dollartree and bought 7 of their tests. We got a tiny tiny positive. So tiny, that I wasn't at all sure about it. Susan had obsessed sufficiently in previous months, however, to be 100% sure that that was a positive result. It's totally different than the other times, she assured me. I was cautiously optimistic. I was also feeling very sick at the time, so the excitement we were expecting was all but missing. We tested again at 11DPO (two or three times) and I still wasn't sure, but I was getting more confident. At 12DPO, we tested a few more times, and I was much more confident that those were truly positive. By 13DPO (a saturday) we tested with FMU for the first time, because we don't like to test in the morning on a work day when we will have to be apart right afterward, and that was clear enough that we decided to do another digital. The digital test said "Pregnant." For some reason, this is what it took for me to get excited. All the double lines in the world weren't going to make me believe I was pregnant, but there's not misreading a digital. There's no wishful thinking involved. I couldn't believe and I was REALLY excited for the first time. We went and had a beta on Monday (15DPO) and it was 187. The followup on Wednesday was 351. We thought this would be super reassuring, but the negative attitude of the CNM really just made us nervous again. She told me the number, and I said "So that's good so far, right" And instead of just saying "Yeah, so far so good," she had to add a "but it's still very early." Like you can try to conceive for 10 months and not understand that there are no guarantees. Argh.

So, we're getting over that now, and I feel pretty confident at this point. Our doctor wants to do a six week sono (which would be this week), but we're going to try and hold off until 8 weeks, since 98% of pregnancies continue to term if a heartbeat is seen at 8 weeks, vs. 78% for a heartbeat seen at 6 weeks. Right now I feel like we'll make it, but if we need the reassurance, we'll just have it early. I'm just excited that we've gotten this far, and really hoping that it all works out. I can't wait to meet the RAZZ!

Spring Fertility

The onset of spring is making us giddy with thoughts of fertility. Our own, of course, but also the wild plant type. We're planning a major native landscaping project for our back yard, and it's so much fun. There are so many beautiful native plants that require no mowing whatsoever, that I can't wait to get started! I can't help but think of the razz, as we make all these plans. I feel a sort of earthy connection between the two events that's completely unshakeable. I'm choosing to take that as a sign that the razz is ready to join us!

Back in the game

Wow, it's been forever since I've posted here. We have been taking a short break while we wait for me to work up to the right dosage of metformin. During the time of silence, we have been back and forth over and over again over whether we should go ahead and try again starting next cycle, or whether we should wait until fall. Here's the pro-con list...strangely, this is the first time I'm doing this, even though we've already made a decision. It will be interesting to see whether the list agrees.

Pro

Con

We are really, really, desperate to have a baby. We want it more than anything, and we've already been waiting almost unbearably long. Even if we start trying right now, it *still* might take several more tries. We're not getting any younger. We're hoping to have more kids after this, and if we don't get started soon, some of our options are going to become less viable. Our lives are already set up, ready, and waiting for the baby, and a several month wait is not long enough to pursue a different arrangement, but too long to be in a holding pattern.

I might not be eligible for fmla by the time the baby is due if we get pregnant right away (i'm waiting to hear from personnel on this issue) It's still possible, though unlikely, that I won't get the job I'm expecting to get, and therefore might be unemployed for an indeterminate amount of time (this should be resolved one way or the other within the next two weeks) The combination of metformin, really careful eating, and not as consistent as I'd like exercise is helping me lose weight right now, and losing more weight before becoming pregnant could be beneficial.

These are the main arguments on each side. I think we have made the right decision, to try again this cycle. Now, if we can only get the timing to cooperate! With our plans to make a much needed trip to Arkansas, and with me hopefully starting a new job shortly thereafter, there's a lot that could possibly interfere. I guess it's back to the ordering and scheduling stress ride! Like Susan always says, if it works, it's worth anything it takes. It's just so hard to deal with all we have to do each cycle, when at the end of it all, we're back at square one.

GoogleMapPedometer

This is pretty cool. Since I'm trying to do the 1000 minutes of exercise a month thing, I'm needing to add back in my lunchhour walks. The weather has been great for it and it gets me outside in the real air for a while instead of being cooped up in my office all day. I found this Google Map Pedometer today and thought I would share. It's pretty nice. I had been wanting to check out exactly how far I had been walking. I had guessed about 2 miles, and I was pretty much right on!
My Route:
http://tinyurl.com/g63da

and, a link to the pedometer so you can make yours:
http://www.webwalking.com/googlemap.htm

Tag, I'm It!

I've been tagged by my beautiful, brilliant, sweet, and wonderful partner. It's a good thing she was the one to tag me, too, because this is now the third time I've tried to post this, and for anyone else, I would have given up by now! Here we go.

Seven Things To Do Before I Die:
1. Have a kid
2. Live somewhere a lot more queer than here
3. travel, a lot
4. have another kid
5. learn to eat healthy without getting depressed about it
6. umm, I can't remember this one
7. Get a horse (come on, doesn't every little girl want a pony?)

Seven Things I Can’t Do:
1. Cross my eyes
2. Wink
3. Let go of the past
4. Eat just a little junk food, just once in a while
5. fly
6. I really had two more of these, but I couldn't remember them after I lost this post the first time. Wah!


Seven Things That Attract Me To Blogging:
1. Susan
2. Creating a keepsake for the baby-making time
3. Trying to remember what I did yesterday

Seven Things I Say Most Often: (not in order)
1. Mer, you're disgusting
2. I'm hungry
3. what do you want to do now?
4. Get out!
5. corn is such a pie
6. Let's talk about housesSHHH!
7. Good dog!

Seven Books That I Love:
1. Oryx and Crake
2. Wicked
3. Tipping the Velvet
4. The Ender's Game books
5. Time Enough for Love
6. Much Ado About Nothing
7. Mike Mulligan and His Steamshovel


Seven Movies I Watch Again and Again:
1. But I’m a Cheerleader
2. O Brother Where Art Thou
3. Big Eden
4. The Princess Bride
5. Eve’s Bayou
6. Jackie Brown (from now on, that movie rocks!)
7. The Matrix

Seven People I am Tagging to do this Meme:

1. >2. You people need to start blogs.
Yeah, that!

Metformin

So, I started the Metformin last night, and so far so good. Since we're not going to be inseminating for a couple of months and I won't have to worry so much about jostling the egg out and about being sure not to restrict my calories, I'm going to make a big push these next couple of months to lose some weight. I think if I really work at it, I should be able to lose 15 pounds by the end of March, so that's my goal. My big secret weapon in these two months shall be Dance Dance Revolution. Susan and I were at the mall yesterday and I heard the music from it playing at Tilt, and went over there to see that they did indeed have a Dance Dance arcade machine with the same music set as the version I have at home. This got me all reinvigorated on the Dance Dance. I still feel like a total dork when I dance dance, so there's no way I'm likely to ever play the arcade version when there's anyone around, but if I can find it on an empty night, I might be really tempted to go play it! But before that can ever happen, I definitely need to get back into it. Go Dance Dance!! :) In March, I'll also be joining the 1000 minute challenge on the forums I read. I think it will really help me continue to push myself on days when I just feel too lazy and time crunched to spend time exercising.

Ugh.

Ok, so yesterday was the test. We thought it was going to be an HSG, but they did a Saline Infused Sonogram instead. Basically, it's the same procedure, except that instead of using dye, they use saline, and instead of xRays they do a sonogram. This makes it seem like it's a little safer, and it probably is.

This appointment was a nightmare. On the upside, it was over quickly once we got in. We had to see the actual doctor for this test, which, I'm guessing, is why we had to wait 40 minutes past our appointment time. Now, our doctor is a very good doctor, and usually friendly, but rushed. That's fine, she's has lots of patients and lots of responsibilities; i expect her to be busy. What I don't expect is to be completely ignored as she blows off steam with the sonographer about how she can't get hold of another doctor who she needs to ask a favor of. I also do not expect to be left on the table with a speculum in while she leaves the room to answer her cell phone. On top of this, the procedure itself was very painful, though short, and I think the rush she was in and the infrequency with which they perform these test made it more painful than it needed to be.

We found out from the test that my tubes are fine, so that's not the problem. This leaves us no closer to figuring out what *is* the problem, if there is a problem at all. I mean, we've only tried three times with decent timing, and lots of people without any fertility problems take as many tries. But anyway, without knowing if there is anything really wrong or not, the next step we are taking is for me to take glucophage, which is a diabetes drug. The doctor warned me that I would most likely feel like absolute crap while taking it. This is because it lowers your blood sugar. Now, to me, it seems like if it's making you feel crappy, it must be lowering it too much, but I guess I'm wrong about that, since she told me to expect it. Whatever. We now get to skip this cycle and next cycle to give the glucophage a chance to work, and try again in april.

Dye.Dye.Dye

So, no luck last cycle, which means this cycle we will do an HSG, which is the dye test I talked about in the last post. This is good and bad. To get the bad out of the way first, it means we will have to skip this cycle. There are several ways in which it is good, however.

1. No clomid this month. This is good for two reasons: I can have a break from the emotional roller coaster, and I can chart see if I would ovulate without the clomid now, as sometimes happens after you've taken for a few cycles, oh, a third reason is that clomid also causes your endometrium to thin, which is bad for implantation and part of the reason they make you take a break after 6 months, so taking a break from it now will mean I have a better nest for the razz next month.
   
2. It seems that the pressure of the dye will sometime flush out small blockages from the fallopian tubes. When I read online about this happening for people, I thought it might just be coincidence for a few people, but I felt more encouraged when our PA actually mentioned it without any prompting from me.
   
3. If the test is clear and we do get pregnant on the next cycle after it, the razz will be conceived pretty close to Susan's birthday.
   
4. I can drink alcohol, caffeine, and nutrasweet in moderation this month
   
5. If the test is not clear, we will know what the problem is, and can move on to IVF or whatever our next option will be.
   

Obviously, the good outweighs the bad here.

Update

Just a brief status report: We had a follicle scan on wednesday and saw two good size (23X20) follicles on the left (yes, LEFT...woohoo, it works) ovary, and one pretty good one (18X16) on the right ovary. We did an insem and trigger shot wednesday, and a second insem today. Our wonderful pa told us the next step would be the test where they put a bunch of dye in your uterus, then watch it on ultrasound to see if it makes it through the tubes. If it doesn't, it means the tube is blocked. This gave me the idea that perhaps our lack of success has been due to a blocked tube on the right side. Since we have hardly had any follicles on the left before, that would make sense. Hopefully having two goodies on the left this time around will do the trick. They also had a recent twin conception through IUI at our clinic, so we're hoping to score some babydust off of that couple! If we manage not to obsess this time around, you shouldn't hear from me until I get either my period, or a positive test. Since the odds are strongly in favor of obsessing, however, I fully expect at least a couple more posts before that. Cross your fingers for us and send us fertile thoughts (hmm, does that sound a little dirty to anyone else? Oh well.)

ignore it....

This month we are trying the ignore it approach. I'm not charting; after the insem I'm not going to test at all until 16 days later if I haven't gotten my period; and this is hopefully going to be my last entry for this month. I hate to do this, because if I do get pregnant this cycle, I will be disappointed about not having the charts (don't ask me why), but it's still better than having another month during which both of us obsess constantly and make ourselves and each other miserable. Ok, miserable may be overstating a bit (but just a bit), but it really is difficult when we're both obsessing. I might get to a place where I'm feeling good and confident and not worried about it at all, but at that time Susan is bound to be feeling pessimistic and downtrodden, and then of course, we switch roles, only rarely both feeling good about the cycle at the same time. So this month, I'm taking my meds, then we're going for the follicle scan and trigger shot on cd14, inseminating on days 15 and 16 and then waiting until day 32 to test. That is all. See ya in 25-30 days.

wah.

So, by the looks of my chart it would seem that this month is a bust. I've seen a lot of charts that looked like "no way in hell" that ended up being pregnancies, but this chart is just too much like all of my other charts to mean anything other than "try again next month." I should know for sure tomorrow, except in the exceedingly unlikely case that I actually am pregnant, in which case, who knows when we'll know for sure? I didn't test today and I probably won't test tomorrow, but If I don't get my period by tomorrow, I will definitely be tempted to test the next day.

Women Vs. Technology

Ok, there was a picture of the home pregnancy test we destroyed, but I can't get the link to work right now, and my battery is about to die, so, instead you will have to click here to see it.


So, as you can see, we have finally succombed to tearing the tests apart. Seriously though, in this case there was a pretty decent reason. Everyone knows by the time they have been trying to conceive for 7 cycles that you should never read a pregnancy test after the 10 minute window because of the possibility of an evap line. This is a line that appears on pretty much any pregnancy test some time after the testing period, whether you are pregnant or not. What we didn't know is, how soon do evap lines really show up? This information would become vital tonight. I tested using an accuclear brand early result hpt, and saw nothing at all inside the 10 minute window. Since it is still early, we were a little disappointed and impatient, but not much more than that. Since we had thrown the test on the floor, it needed to be picked up. This was done about 25-30 minutes after the beginning of the test. And at this point there was clearly a pink line. I'm thinking (and saying) that thirty minutes should be way too soon to see an evap line. So we get the bright idea to go ahead and take the test apart and see if it is still wet, figuring that it shouldn't show an evap line until it's dry. So, we do, and it is still wet, so we are cautiously optimistic and take this as a good sign, but not much more that that. Then, the brilliant susan has an even better idea. She tests *her* pee and then we look at the stick 30 minutes later. She has a pink line too. Dammit! Oh well. We're really no worse off than we were this morning, but all that false hope really sets you up for a fall when the bubble bursts. wah!

lh wins, but hpt follows closely!

Ok, so yesterday I finally got a negative LH test. Barely. Today's was more negative still. When I did the accuclear pregnancy test yesterday, the results were so far off center that I couldn't see the line because of the shadow from the way the result window is inset. So I did a clearblue easy digital and it said "Pregnant." You gotta love the total clarity of those things! Then when I looked at the accuclear again holding the opposite way (so the shadow was on the opposite side) I could see the line easily. Oh well...One wasted backup test is not that big of a deal. Anyway, today the line on the accuclear was SO FAINT, that I thought I might be imagining it, so I did another CB digital and it said "Not Pregnant." With backup from susan, I'm now sure that the accuclear *did* show a very faint line, so that particular test must have been slightly more sensitive than the CB digital that I used. But now at least we have a baseline faintness on the accuclear. I'll keep testing every day and watch for it to get darker. I'll be curious to see if the line ever totally goes away (if I'm pregnant) or if it just stays faint until my body starts making its own HCG. It's really exciting to be in the phase where we can now trust a positive if it happens! :)

For those of us keeping score

It's neck and neck. Hopefully we'll end in a 3-3 tie. We now have inseminated on cycles 2,5,7 and skipped 3,4,6. I'm leaving 1 out because we weren't really trying to try that cycle.

Also, still testing positive for both pregnancy and lh surge, so the grand experiment shall continue tomorrow morning.

Fun With Science

So, since I got the hcg shot, a pregnancy test will come out positive until the injected hcg is out of my system. For fun, I'm testing every day until I see a negative. This could be anywhere from a few days to never. I'm really pulling for a negative around 7dpo, returning to positive at 10 or 12 dpo. For good measure, I'm also doing OPK's every day. So far, I've had a positive OPK every day since tuesday, dec 20. I've had a positive pregnancy test every day since thursday. Anyone want to bet which test will go negative first? Any suggestions of other types of home tests I can run on my pee? This is loads of fun, and it's helping my baby craziness to do something every day. In other news, my temps finally crawled above the coverline today. This was one of the strangest looking cycles I've had so far. Ultra consistent and high temps in the ovulatory phase, then lower consisitent temps for several days after ovulation, then today finally creeping above the coverline. With the progesterone, the rest of the cycle *should* stay above the coverline no matter what, but knowing my body, I'm at all sure what to expect.

It's all good

So, tuesday evening we had a REALLY positive OPK. Yay! Then wednesday morning was positive again, as has been the trend. Everything was looking perfect. We went for our IUI at 10:30 wednesday morning (that's yesterday, folks) and our sperm wasn't there. Doh! Well, no problem really. It was guaranteed to arrive by noon, so it wasn't *that* long to wait. We had figured it would get there earlier because in the past it has arrived by 8:30am. What we obviously forgot to account for was the holiday package frenzy that fedex would be dealing with. So, we went to breakfast and then did a little shopping and went back at 1. We got to use a new room on the surgical side of the office since they had to work us back into the schedule and all the regular rooms were taken. So, we had the insem, which was less comfortable than usual. I suspect I'm just becoming more of a whiny baby about it and it wasn't *really* any more uncomfortable than usual. Then, we get a surprise. With no prompting from us (which she wasn't going to get this time around) our wonderful inseminatrix asks if we want to do a Trigger shot. Yay. I am, of course, terrified. I can't really say no, because then if I were to not get pregnant this month, I would always blame myself. And I *want* to have the shot, but everyone says they hurt really bad, and I'm not a big fan of pain. So, for the record...it hurt NOT AT ALL. I was a little irritated at all the people who have written in some place or other that it was extremely painful. I mean, I'm laying there, holding susan's hand and I feel a tiny little prick and she asks, "How was it?" And I say, "It's over?" Now, it did sting a bit after a minute or two, but that is not the type of pain that bothers me. It built up slowly and then disappeared within ten minutes. I should mention, that the nurse at our wonderful doctor's office gives the trigger in two shots (one in each cheek) so that it won't hurt as much. I guess it works. I doubt anyone would argue if you asked for it in two shots instead of one, so I'd do that if I were ever offered the trigger shot from someone who didn't already split it up. Anyway, the point. EVERYTHING should be right this month. No room for error in the timing with the trigger, lots of ripe and ready follicles, lots of time to relax and woo the razz. I should have two or three eggs up there waiting to be fertilized, so hopefully two weeks from now, I'll be reporting a positive pregnancy test!

How do I love thee, let me count the follicles

1...2...3...4....5! Yay! Okay, two great, beautiful, perfect follicles on the right, plus one close behind. Two respectably sized (14X14ish) follicles on the left (!) . Still no positive OPK as of 7 this morning, but that is what we expected. We are ordering "the stuff" today to arrive tomorrow to inseminate on the solstice!!! This is so exciting and feels really right. I feel strongly that this will be the month. There's a decent chance we will get twins out of this, but we will be totally happy whether we get one perfect little razz or the razz brings a twin along. For some reason, I'm really interested in the idea that we could get twins conceived on two different days, since we will be inseminating on wednesday and again on thursday. I can't wait and I think this will be the worst 2ww in terms of the baby craziness, but in some ways that's the best as well. I love to let myself get really into the excitement and possibilities. It makes for a pretty hard crash at the end of the wait if we're not pregnant, but I feel like a prefer that too trying to hold my excitement at bay just in case. This makes the wait a little bit hard for us as a couple, because Susan is the opposite way. She likes to protect herself from the crash by trying not to get completely invested in the idea that it's going to take in a given month. I think her approach is smarter and better in a lot of ways, but either way, a negative test is crushing to both of us. But that's the end of my negativity for the month :) I feel like this *has* to be the month. Five beautiful follicles of love, solstice insemination, progesterone support after the insem, and really good strong happy love vibes. Come on razz, you can do it!!

We're down with OPK -

I did the OPK this afternoon at 3:30 and it was negative. This is a good thing, because it was already too late to order "the stuff." I meant to test at 1:30, which would have put us in under the wire for ordering, but I managed to forget. I don't expect a positive until monday or tuesday, but with the higher dose of clomid, who knows what will happen this cycle, and I want to be sure not to miss it. A positive before sunday afternoon will mean another missed cycle, so keep you fingers crossed for me for the kits to stay negative this weekend!

It's Official...

Our next follicle scan will be December 19 at 2:30. I scheduled it in the afternoon because it's much nicer if we can have the rest of the day off together afterward, especially if it's not good news like last month. I expect good news this time though. It should be the right ovary, which seems happier than the left in general, and with the clomid upped to 100 it seems like this should be a good month.