lh wins, but hpt follows closely!

Ok, so yesterday I finally got a negative LH test. Barely. Today's was more negative still. When I did the accuclear pregnancy test yesterday, the results were so far off center that I couldn't see the line because of the shadow from the way the result window is inset. So I did a clearblue easy digital and it said "Pregnant." You gotta love the total clarity of those things! Then when I looked at the accuclear again holding the opposite way (so the shadow was on the opposite side) I could see the line easily. Oh well...One wasted backup test is not that big of a deal. Anyway, today the line on the accuclear was SO FAINT, that I thought I might be imagining it, so I did another CB digital and it said "Not Pregnant." With backup from susan, I'm now sure that the accuclear *did* show a very faint line, so that particular test must have been slightly more sensitive than the CB digital that I used. But now at least we have a baseline faintness on the accuclear. I'll keep testing every day and watch for it to get darker. I'll be curious to see if the line ever totally goes away (if I'm pregnant) or if it just stays faint until my body starts making its own HCG. It's really exciting to be in the phase where we can now trust a positive if it happens! :)

For those of us keeping score

It's neck and neck. Hopefully we'll end in a 3-3 tie. We now have inseminated on cycles 2,5,7 and skipped 3,4,6. I'm leaving 1 out because we weren't really trying to try that cycle.

Also, still testing positive for both pregnancy and lh surge, so the grand experiment shall continue tomorrow morning.

Fun With Science

So, since I got the hcg shot, a pregnancy test will come out positive until the injected hcg is out of my system. For fun, I'm testing every day until I see a negative. This could be anywhere from a few days to never. I'm really pulling for a negative around 7dpo, returning to positive at 10 or 12 dpo. For good measure, I'm also doing OPK's every day. So far, I've had a positive OPK every day since tuesday, dec 20. I've had a positive pregnancy test every day since thursday. Anyone want to bet which test will go negative first? Any suggestions of other types of home tests I can run on my pee? This is loads of fun, and it's helping my baby craziness to do something every day. In other news, my temps finally crawled above the coverline today. This was one of the strangest looking cycles I've had so far. Ultra consistent and high temps in the ovulatory phase, then lower consisitent temps for several days after ovulation, then today finally creeping above the coverline. With the progesterone, the rest of the cycle *should* stay above the coverline no matter what, but knowing my body, I'm at all sure what to expect.

It's all good

So, tuesday evening we had a REALLY positive OPK. Yay! Then wednesday morning was positive again, as has been the trend. Everything was looking perfect. We went for our IUI at 10:30 wednesday morning (that's yesterday, folks) and our sperm wasn't there. Doh! Well, no problem really. It was guaranteed to arrive by noon, so it wasn't *that* long to wait. We had figured it would get there earlier because in the past it has arrived by 8:30am. What we obviously forgot to account for was the holiday package frenzy that fedex would be dealing with. So, we went to breakfast and then did a little shopping and went back at 1. We got to use a new room on the surgical side of the office since they had to work us back into the schedule and all the regular rooms were taken. So, we had the insem, which was less comfortable than usual. I suspect I'm just becoming more of a whiny baby about it and it wasn't *really* any more uncomfortable than usual. Then, we get a surprise. With no prompting from us (which she wasn't going to get this time around) our wonderful inseminatrix asks if we want to do a Trigger shot. Yay. I am, of course, terrified. I can't really say no, because then if I were to not get pregnant this month, I would always blame myself. And I *want* to have the shot, but everyone says they hurt really bad, and I'm not a big fan of pain. So, for the record...it hurt NOT AT ALL. I was a little irritated at all the people who have written in some place or other that it was extremely painful. I mean, I'm laying there, holding susan's hand and I feel a tiny little prick and she asks, "How was it?" And I say, "It's over?" Now, it did sting a bit after a minute or two, but that is not the type of pain that bothers me. It built up slowly and then disappeared within ten minutes. I should mention, that the nurse at our wonderful doctor's office gives the trigger in two shots (one in each cheek) so that it won't hurt as much. I guess it works. I doubt anyone would argue if you asked for it in two shots instead of one, so I'd do that if I were ever offered the trigger shot from someone who didn't already split it up. Anyway, the point. EVERYTHING should be right this month. No room for error in the timing with the trigger, lots of ripe and ready follicles, lots of time to relax and woo the razz. I should have two or three eggs up there waiting to be fertilized, so hopefully two weeks from now, I'll be reporting a positive pregnancy test!

How do I love thee, let me count the follicles

1...2...3...4....5! Yay! Okay, two great, beautiful, perfect follicles on the right, plus one close behind. Two respectably sized (14X14ish) follicles on the left (!) . Still no positive OPK as of 7 this morning, but that is what we expected. We are ordering "the stuff" today to arrive tomorrow to inseminate on the solstice!!! This is so exciting and feels really right. I feel strongly that this will be the month. There's a decent chance we will get twins out of this, but we will be totally happy whether we get one perfect little razz or the razz brings a twin along. For some reason, I'm really interested in the idea that we could get twins conceived on two different days, since we will be inseminating on wednesday and again on thursday. I can't wait and I think this will be the worst 2ww in terms of the baby craziness, but in some ways that's the best as well. I love to let myself get really into the excitement and possibilities. It makes for a pretty hard crash at the end of the wait if we're not pregnant, but I feel like a prefer that too trying to hold my excitement at bay just in case. This makes the wait a little bit hard for us as a couple, because Susan is the opposite way. She likes to protect herself from the crash by trying not to get completely invested in the idea that it's going to take in a given month. I think her approach is smarter and better in a lot of ways, but either way, a negative test is crushing to both of us. But that's the end of my negativity for the month :) I feel like this *has* to be the month. Five beautiful follicles of love, solstice insemination, progesterone support after the insem, and really good strong happy love vibes. Come on razz, you can do it!!

We're down with OPK -

I did the OPK this afternoon at 3:30 and it was negative. This is a good thing, because it was already too late to order "the stuff." I meant to test at 1:30, which would have put us in under the wire for ordering, but I managed to forget. I don't expect a positive until monday or tuesday, but with the higher dose of clomid, who knows what will happen this cycle, and I want to be sure not to miss it. A positive before sunday afternoon will mean another missed cycle, so keep you fingers crossed for me for the kits to stay negative this weekend!

It's Official...

Our next follicle scan will be December 19 at 2:30. I scheduled it in the afternoon because it's much nicer if we can have the rest of the day off together afterward, especially if it's not good news like last month. I expect good news this time though. It should be the right ovary, which seems happier than the left in general, and with the clomid upped to 100 it seems like this should be a good month.

A New Hope

Well, today is cycle day 1 again. It has me feeling all hopeful again now that we're officially past the skipped cycle. So, I'll be starting on 100Clomid Saturday and we'll go in for a follicle scan two weeks from yesterday. That day will be my father's birthday, which is pretty cool. Also cool is that that is the day I had planned to file my name change petition. All that stands in the way of that happening at this point is finding a typewriter. I can't believe that they *require* it to be typed, but don't have a digital version available so you can just fill it in and print it. Also the timing for the actual inseminations will probably put one of them on the solstice. That would be super cool. And since I was already planning on taking solstice and the rest of the week after it off from work, I won't need to take any additional time and I won't have to work a half day on the insemination days. Yay!

Not much to report

There's really nothing going on since we're skipping this month. I keep temping and uploading my charts (see Links to your right) and it looks sort of like I may have ovulated afterall. It doesn't really matter, since there was no way we could have arranged an insemination with the way the timing worked out. Since the doctor was closed thursday and friday, we had our follicle scan wednesday. The normal thing would have been to have another scan on friday. If I really did ovulate, we would have seen a nice big ready follicle on friday. Now, we *could* have had a scan on friday, but we would have had to do it at the hospital, and then we would have to call the poor on call inseminatrix at the last possible minute to get her to do the insem on friday or saturday. Sound like a pain? It did to us. That's why we decided to skip, so it was still the right thing for us even if I ovulated. It's feels more frustrating if I did though. Oh well. Here's hoping for a Solstice miracle! It really *will* be a miracle if the Christmas holiday doesn't jack things up the same way that thanksgiving did!

follicle what?

Sad Saddy mcSadness. No mature follicles this month. About 3 or 4 little ones on the left, none on the right. This means no insemination...again. We're upping the clomid to 100 for next time. Who knows, maybe it didn't work at all last month and I just got lucky with a nice big follicle. That's what it seems like to me, so I'm just hoping upping the dose will be all it takes. If we get to try next month, it will probably be around solstice, which is cool.

Insurance...

Well, I'm happy to report that the insurance company has decided to pay for one follicle scan and one insemination per month. Well, at least they decided to pay for one of each last month. After talking to them on the phone, I thought it would be necessary to ask our doctor to submit another request for pre-authorization, and I also thought that it would be denied. But I was pleasantly surprised to see that the doctor's office submitted a new request without any prompting from us, and apparently it was approved. Yay! Happy. We'll go in for our *free* follicle scan on wednesday. It should be too early to inseminate that day. Since we did get a positive OPK last month, we're going to wait for a positive this month and plan our insems around that, since it looks like we were early last month. If the pattern holds from last month, friday and saturday are likely to be the days. And the pattern is pretty likely to hold, seeing as it's drug induced anyway!

Preemptive Jealousy?

Well, again today I awoke at 5am to a doggie needing to go outside. Since my normal time for temping is 7:15, this is about the worst time for this to happen. It is too early to meaningfully adjust up, and too late to get 4 consecutive hours of sleep before waking for the day. Could it be that our wizard, genius dog is trying to sabotage our attempts at conception? I doubt it, but I wouldn't put it past him!

more clomid

So, today I start the clomid again. I'm a little nervous this time around because the side effects should start getting noticeable around Thursday, when I will have to attend a meeting in the Chicagoland area. This means I have to ride in a mini-van with 6 men for two hours in the morning (when I will be tired) and another 2 hours in the evening (when I will be tired again). Also, I have to actually attend the meeting, most of which I will be completely glazed over for, since I simply am not a hydrologist. Near the very end of this meeting, I will probably have to demo my program. Now, I'm still just now getting the program to the point where it won't have any glaringly obvoius bugs. Normally I could skip over this step and only demo things that I know work (this is the norm for in-progress demos, btw) but this time around I am meant to leave an installation disk so that they can experiment with the program. This means it basically has to be at least pre-release quality. Are you getting the picture at this point. I'm super stressed this week, the stress is only going to increase, and is going to culminate at the time of peak emotional side-effect from the clomid. I have never *ever* so looked forward to Friday. I took it off so that I can recover. At least that means three weeks in a row of partial work weeks since last week we had veteran's day off and next week is Thanksgiving. So, at least there's that :)

The Waiting is Over (for now) and Insurance Woes

Well, at least no more waiting...I'm definately not pregnant. :( I'm quite sad, but at least I'm not still in the clinging to every last hope stage, which is really hard for me. So, since we will be trying agin next month, I decided to call the insurance company about a letter they sent after our first visit to the doctor. Here is an excerpt:

Based upon the information provided on August 4, 2005, the documentation provided dies not indicate Ms. K has been unable to obtain or sustain a successful pregnancy through reasonable, less costly, medically appropriate infertility treatment for which coverage is available under their plan. Thus, based upon this medical review, it does not appear Ms. K is eligible for the infertility benefits acailable through the ---- plan provisions.

Ok, we were expecting it not to be covered, especially right at first. What I wasn't expecting was the subtle implication that fertility treatment would be covered, just not the treatment we chose. So, today I called the insurance company and talked to R who was very nice, although completely unhelpful. He said that my doctor also got a copy of the letter, and therefore I would have to ask him (although she's a she) about what other treatments would be medically appropriate. When I reiterated that the letter doesn't say what would be covered, he said that she would have to determine what other treatments were appropriate and send another request for predetermination of benefits. To clarify, I said "So basically, we just have to guess what might be covered and wait for someone to decide whether it will be covered or not?" And he said (and this is the good part) "Yes, basically" Ok, so, there are LOTS of things you *could* try to get pregnant. I can't think of many other options that would work for us. I guess I will ask about it at our next appointment, but I don't have high hopes. My best bet is that since I seem to not be ovulating on my own, they may be able to re-request benefits on that basis and perhaps then at least the follicle scans and clomid might be covered. It's worth a try, but I *hate* that they make you keep doing more paperwork over and over again instead of just telling you what's covered. I mean, I realize that they can't cover every possibility in a set of strictly followed rules, but how about some general guidelines?! Ugh!

the waiting game...

So, I should have gotten my period yesterday. I didn't. My temps are still in the ambiguous range, especially given that we don't really know what differences can be attributed to the clomid. Today, I see a little spotting and think my period has started. I almost never spot before starting. It's insanely heavy from day 1 usually. Again, could this be a weird unexpected effect of the clomid? Sure. Could it also be that I'm pregnant? Sure. Could it be the universe screwing with my head? Definately. So, more waiting then. Hopefully just until tomorrow.

uhh, Joe?

In case you haven't figured it out, the previous post was meant for another blog. In baby news, I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I'm really trying to prepare myself for the inevitable arrival of the unmistakable negative.

Back in the swing...

We will be meeting Tomorrow at the usual time and place (see Meeting Info to the right).

and then...

OK, so yesterday's faint faint positive disappeared after the 10 minute read window. One would think that this should be ok, but no. Apparently this is a negative result. A repeat test this morning was also negative. gah! Well, we're still hopeful that it's just a bit too early still, so we will be testing again tomorrow morning (with a different brand of test). If I'm pregnant, I would think it would be positive tomorrow, but I don't think I will believe I'm not pregnant until I actually get my period.

world's faintest positive!!

I don't want to say too too much in case it turns out to be untrue, but we got the world's faintest positive today. I'm 10DPO and my period isn't expected for another 3 days, so faint is ok. I'm just really really excited!! :)

testing....

I woke up this morning and REALLY wanted to test. Don't ask me why. I hate testing early. It's always negative and it always makes me feel bad to see a negative, even if I know it's too early. I think it's going to take a lot more effort this time around to make it to the testing window. I'm totally convinced this is the month. Of course, I'll be totally convinced this isn't the month in an hour or so, and back to be convinced it is and hour or so after that, so obviously my gut is not an accurate predictor of anything at this point!

Nothing to do with ttc,pregnancy,birth,or parenting! :)

I'm sure I will regret this, but I'm going to try this.

why not homebirth?

I'm so irritated that I keep starting and restarting this post. I'm baffled. No matter how much I think about it, I can't for the life of me figure out why the state of Illinois should be invested in keeping midwives from practicing. Yeah, great, we have certified nurse midwives who are trained with hospital policies in mind, and not legally permitted to attend homebirths, and most often work for the hospital. Umm, this is not helpful. I cannot trust that this person will be an advocate for me to make sure my well researched choices are honored. In fact, in many cases this person may not be allowed, by hospital policy, to let the parents choose what does and doesn't happen to their child immediately after birth. Even if a particular midwife, nurse, doctor, hospital will allow you to make these decisions, it's hard to know that your birth plan will be followed when 98% of parents probably choose to just follow the standard procedure. I'm not down on that. I think *every* parent has a right to choose what interventions will be administered to his or her baby and when, and if a parent's choice is to follow the hospital's standard procedure, I think that's fine. I just don't feel very sure that the experience my partner, my child, and I will have, will be under our control. I want more than anything to give birth in my home, with my partner, and then to lay in bed together as a family, enjoying our very special day. All studies indicate that this is at *least* as safe as giving birth in a hospital, especially for low risk situations. I'm really saddened that this is looking very unlikely. I suppose that we could have the child at home without *any* professional help, but that's a little further than feels safe for me, even though many people do it successfully. I'm just completely lost as to why the state has made the only choices to be In a Hospital where you will be attended by medical professionals, or at home with no help at all, while excluding the safest, most natural option, of having a trained professional help you give birth at your home. Meanies!

Majorly Impatient

I simply can't wait to find out if the Razz is being baked. I feel really optimistic about it, especially since my chart is starting to look better. The Clomid has the pre-O temps artificially elevated, so right after ovulation it didn't really look like my temps went up at all and I was starting to worry that I didn't actually ovulate. There's no doubt that I did now and that's a big first step. If you figure that the pre-O temps were artificially high, it also looks like there might be a triphasic pattern emerging, which would be a nice pregnancy indicator (although no guarantee). I just can't wait to find out. I know, I said that already, but I can't help it. I REALLY want this to be the month. All the signs are positive...I just can't believe I have to wait another 10 DAYS to find out for sure. How will I ever make it that long!

The ongoing internal debate over lexapro...

I think that's a definite no throughout pregnancy, and sadly a probably no while nursing :( I keep going back and forth on this.

I've lived with depression throughout a lot of my childhood, most of my teen years, and all of my adult life. When you're depressed, it's really difficult to get yourself motivated enough to get help. For me (and I think this is pretty common too) it was also difficult because I bounced around from feeling like I didn't deserve help or didn't deserve to feel better and feeling like I shouldn't need help, to thinking I should just be able to decide to feel better, to feeling like some people just aren't happy people, and that was just how I was *supposed* to feel. Last year I had an "event" which made it pretty much impossible not to get help, and I managed to get myself to a doctor who prescribed lexapro. It changed my life completely. I was a totally different person. Some people would say I was no longer myself, but I really do think it's more like I was finally myself. After doing really well on the lexapro for 9ish months, we decided we were ready to have a baby, and I decided I needed to go off the lexapro in order to do that. I've been off it for 3 months now, and I am again a totally different person. I feel like I'm managing it better at the moment and I'm hopeful that I can continue to manage it without medication, but I really miss it.

Anyhow, this was my point:

from http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/lexapro_wcp.htm

Pregnancy-Nonteratogenic Effects

Neonates exposed to LEXAPRO and other SSRIs or SNRIs, late in the third trimester, have developed complications requiring prolonged hospitalization, respiratory support, and tube feeding. Such complications can arise immediately upon delivery. Reported clinical findings have included respiratory distress, cyanosis, apnea, seizures, temperature instability, feeding difficulty, vomiting, hypoglycemia, hypotonia, hypertonia, hyperreflexia, tremor, jitteriness, irritability, and constant crying. These features are consistent with either a direct toxic effect of SSRIs and SNRIs or, possibly, a drug discontinuation syndrome. It should be noted that, in some cases, the clinical picture is consistent with serotonin syndrome (see WARNINGS).

When treating a pregnant woman with LEXAPRO during the third trimester, the physician should carefully consider the potential risks and benefits of treatment (see DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION).

Labor and Delivery

The effect of LEXAPRO on labor and delivery in humans is unknown.

Nursing Mothers

Racemic citalopram, like many other drugs, is excreted in human breast milk. There have been two reports of infants experiencing excessive somnolence, decreased feeding, and weight loss in association with breast feeding from a citalopram-treated mother; in one case, the infant was reported to recover completely upon discontinuation of citalopram by its mother and, in the second case, no follow up information was available. The decision whether to continue or discontinue either nursing or LEXAPRO therapy should take into account the risks of citalopram exposure for the infant and the benefits of LEXAPRO treatment for the mother.

What a relief....

OK, this is the second time I'm writing this due to some cookie issues earlier today. We went for our second cycle5 IUI yesterday and it was wonderful. We saw our usual and favorite inseminatrix, and she, as usual was cheerful, helpful, fast, and friendly. She looked at the notes from the sonogram and assured us that my left ovary is actually totally fine. Best we can figure, the radiologist must have meant that the *follicle* on the left ovary was tiny, which it was. We feel very optimistic about this cycle, and our FI even said she felt like this was the cycle. I hope we're all right. We also went on a date after inseminating (I think it's probably *only* people using AI/ART who go out on dates *after* trying to get pregnant!). We saw In Her Shoes, which turned out to be a Good Movie, and much better than the book. Yay! We also played a game of airhockey. We were very close all game, but it was S who pulled off the 7-6 win. Congratulations, babe! Nicely played.

Get in my belly!

OK. I decided to go ahead and start this now. This is our fourth cycle trying to conceive. Unfortunately, it's only the second cycle we have been able to inseminate. The journey so far has been complicated, but not as complicated as it is for a lot of people I suppose. Here are the highlights:

• Cycle 1
  

  
  Ok, we weren't really trying yet this cycle...just charting. The chart looked ok, not great, but then, we were also travelling and I wasn't doing the best job of taking my temps at the same time every day, so I just figured that was the problem.
  

  
  
• Cycle 2
  

  
  Perfect beautiful textbook chart, although long. Big sigh of relief. We ordered our sperm to arrive around CD16 I think (maybe I'll check that later). The sperm sat and sat while we waited for a positive ovulation predictor kit result...and then we ran out of time. The tank is only guaranteed for 7 days, so we had to send the "stuff" back or it would go bad. Next day, positive kit. Rush order a new sample (from a different donor) and inseminate on the next two days. Wait...wait...wait...test...negative...
  wait...test...negative...wait...period.
  

  
  
• Cycle 3
  

  
  Chart looks ok, but not as good as cycle 2, which will henceforth be known as the miracle cycle. Testing...Testing...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,(it's gotta be soon, order the "stuff") 8,9,10,11,12...ok, I guess I'm really not going to ovulate. Right. OK...send back the stuff (or more accurately, scowl at the stuff and say you'll send it back when you send it back, because this batch now has bad mojo after being sent back once already, and you don't want to use it again anyway). Look at the chart and say "Look, it really looks like I ovulated, doesn't it?" Gah!
  

  
  
• Cycle 4
  

  
  Buy fertility monitor so we feel like we're doing something. Have fun peeing on a stick for 8 days (low) 6 more days (high) and less fun for the next 6 days (also high, but never peak) Go to doctor to recheck thyroid (AOK on synthroid) and ask what we should do about the apparent No O cycles. Decide to start clomid.
  

  
  
• Cycle 5
  

  
  Clomid.Clomid.Clomid.Clomid.Clomid (CD5-9) Much excitement. CD14, sonogram. One lonely follicle 26X22mm. This is a really good size, but we're disappointed after having read other people's comments about have 3-6 good follicles, and also because this means no twins unless we get lucky with identicals. Then,
  Radiologist: "Wow, I can't find your left ovary. Oh, there it is. It's REALLY tiny."
  Me & S: "Umm, what does that mean"
  Radiologist: "Probably that it doesn't work"
  Sensitivity much? She was really nice though in all other ways, so I think she probably didn't realize how upsetting that would be to a couple trying to conceive. Even if it doesn't effect anything though, saying "Hey, your reproductive bits don't work" is upsetting. Then, New practitioner (certified nurse midwife) we haven't worked with before comes in, ignores S. Then later does the insemination inexpertly in comparison to our previous inseminatrix. We ask her what the small ovary means in general and for our future attempts should this one not be successful, and she says "She didn't mention it to me" When pressed she basically said "I don't know", but she used a lot of words and said it in a way that made it sound like she thought she was giving a useful informative answer. She also said "It doesn't matter" which is not the way you talk to a woman who is over-amped on estrogen and trying to make a baby, who just found out she only has one functioning ovary. Ok, in tears at the creation of my baby, was not at all what I expected. More to follow after today's insemination, where we hope to be attended by our previous practitioner who we LOVE.